Quick Answer
Infertility can cause anger because trying to conceive often involves uncertainty, loss of control, disappointment, medical stress, financial pressure, and grief. You may feel angry at your body, your partner, your doctors, insensitive comments, people who become pregnant easily, or simply at how unfair the situation feels.
Anger does not mean you are handling infertility poorly. It can be one part of a much more complicated emotional response to fertility struggles.
If anger is becoming difficult to manage, affecting your relationships, or making everyday life harder, talking with a therapist experienced in reproductive mental health can provide a place to understand and process what you are feeling.
Key Takeaways
- Anger can be part of the emotional experience of infertility.
- Infertility can create frustration because so much of the process is outside your control.
- Anger may be directed at your body, partner, doctors, friends, family, or people who become pregnant easily.
- Grief, fear, disappointment, and helplessness can sometimes appear as anger.
- Feeling angry does not mean you are ungrateful, bitter, or a bad person.
- Therapy can provide a private place to process anger and other difficult emotions related to fertility.
Why Does Infertility Make Me So Angry?
When people talk about infertility, they often talk about sadness.
But infertility does not always feel like sadness.
Sometimes it feels like anger.
You may be angry that getting pregnant has become so difficult.
You may be angry at your body.
You may feel frustrated with medical appointments, treatment schedules, insurance, or the amount of money you are spending.
You may become irritated when someone gives you fertility advice you did not ask for.
You might even feel angry when someone you love announces a pregnancy.
Then you may feel guilty for being angry at all.
Infertility can bring many emotions at once. Anger can be one of them.
Why Anger Can Be Part of Infertility
Trying to conceive can involve repeated experiences that are emotionally difficult.
There may be months of waiting.
Tests may not provide the answers you hoped for.
Treatment plans can change.
A cycle may be unsuccessful.
You may have to make major decisions without knowing what the outcome will be.
And no matter how carefully you follow instructions or how much effort you put into treatment, you cannot completely control whether or when you become pregnant.
That lack of control can be incredibly frustrating.
Sometimes anger is the emotion that comes to the surface when underneath it you are also feeling scared, disappointed, exhausted, or powerless.
“I’m Angry at My Body”
Fertility struggles can change your relationship with your body.
Your body may begin to feel like something you are constantly evaluating.
Hormone levels.
Follicle counts.
Ovulation.
Egg quality.
Sperm parameters.
Ultrasound results.
Pregnancy tests.
You may start viewing your body through numbers, tests, and treatment outcomes.
If something does not go as hoped, frustration can turn inward.
You might think:
“Why can’t my body just do this?”
Or:
“Why is my body making this so difficult?”
These thoughts can become painful over time.
Fertility challenges are not a personal failure, but emotionally, it may still feel that way.
If fertility treatment has begun affecting how you see yourself, read:
How Fertility Treatment Can Affect Self-Esteem
Anger About How Unfair Infertility Feels
One of the hardest parts of infertility can be the absence of a satisfying answer to the question:
“Why is this happening to me?”
You may have done everything you thought you were supposed to do.
You waited until you felt ready.
You planned.
You took care of your health.
You followed medical recommendations.
And still, becoming pregnant may be difficult.
Meanwhile, you may watch other people become pregnant without treatment or without appearing to struggle at all.
That difference can feel deeply unfair.
You do not have to pretend that infertility feels fair in order to cope with it.
Why Am I Angry When Someone Else Gets Pregnant?
Someone else’s pregnancy can trigger emotions you did not expect.
You might love the person.
You might genuinely want good things for them.
And you may still feel angry when you hear their news.
The anger may not actually be about them.
Their pregnancy may simply remind you of what you are going through.
You may think:
“Why is it so easy for everyone else?”
“When is it going to be my turn?”
“Why do they get this and I don’t?”
These thoughts can be uncomfortable, particularly when they involve someone you care about.
But having an emotional reaction does not mean you want something bad to happen to another person.
You can be happy for someone else and hurting for yourself at the same time.
If pregnancy announcements have become particularly difficult, read:
How to Handle Pregnancy Announcements While Trying to Conceive
Why Infertility Can Make You Angry at Your Partner
Fertility struggles can put pressure on relationships, particularly when partners respond differently.
You may want to talk about what is happening.
Your partner may want a break from talking about fertility.
You may want to research every possible option.
Your partner may prefer to wait for the doctor’s recommendation.
You may want to begin another treatment cycle immediately.
Your partner may feel exhausted and want time away.
Neither response necessarily means someone cares more or less.
But when you are already emotionally overwhelmed, differences in coping styles can feel personal.
You might think:
“Why aren’t they as upset as I am?”
Or:
“Why don’t they understand how hard this is for me?”
Sometimes anger toward a partner is connected to feeling alone in an experience you expected to navigate together.
For more on this, read:
How Fertility Stress Can Affect Your Marriage
You May Feel Angry About Carrying More of the Fertility Burden
Fertility treatment does not always affect both partners in the same physical way.
One person may undergo more testing, medications, injections, blood draws, ultrasounds, procedures, or physical side effects.
That imbalance can sometimes create resentment.
You may know intellectually that your partner cannot experience treatment exactly as you do.
Emotionally, however, you may still think:
“Why do I have to do all of this?”
This can be particularly difficult when you feel responsible for remembering appointments, communicating with providers, researching options, managing medication schedules, and keeping track of treatment information.
Talking openly about that imbalance can be important.
Anger at Doctors and the Fertility Treatment Process
Fertility care can involve a great deal of waiting and uncertainty.
You may wait for appointments.
Wait for test results.
Wait for a cycle to begin.
Wait to hear whether embryos developed.
Wait to find out whether treatment worked.
You may also become frustrated when you do not receive a clear explanation for what is happening or when treatment does not go according to plan.
Sometimes there may not be a simple answer.
That uncertainty can be difficult when the outcome matters so much.
It is reasonable to ask your medical providers questions and seek clarification about your care. At the same time, therapy can provide a separate space to process the emotions surrounding the medical experience.
Unsolicited Fertility Advice Can Trigger Anger
People often want to help.
Unfortunately, their attempts can sometimes make fertility struggles harder.
You may hear:
“Just relax.”
“It will happen when you stop trying.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Have you tried…?”
“You can always adopt.”
The person saying it may have good intentions.
But the comment can feel dismissive of everything you have been experiencing.
You may feel pressured to smile or change the subject even though internally you are furious.
You are allowed to decide how much information you want to share and which conversations you are willing to have.
For help navigating difficult conversations, read:
Setting Boundaries With Family While Trying to Conceive
Anger After an Unsuccessful Fertility Treatment Cycle
An unsuccessful treatment cycle can bring several emotions at once.
There may be sadness.
Disappointment.
Shock.
Fear about what happens next.
And anger.
You may think about everything you went through physically and emotionally only to receive an outcome you did not want.
If another cycle is possible, you may barely have time to process what happened before you are faced with another decision.
That repeated cycle can become emotionally exhausting.
If IVF has begun to feel like a constant series of emotional highs and lows, read:
Why IVF Feels Like an Emotional Roller Coaster
Anger and Grief Can Exist Together
Sometimes anger is easier to feel than grief.
Anger can feel active.
Grief can feel vulnerable.
You may be grieving the pregnancy you expected to have by now.
You may be grieving unsuccessful treatments.
You may be grieving the way you imagined starting your family.
Or you may be grieving the version of yourself who assumed becoming pregnant would be straightforward.
There is no requirement that infertility grief look like crying or sadness.
It can also look like irritability, frustration, withdrawal, resentment, or feeling angry at the world.
For more about the grief associated with infertility, read:
Reproductive Mental Health and Infertility Grief
Why Am I Irritated With Everyone During Fertility Treatment?
Sometimes anger is not directed at one specific person.
You may simply notice that your patience has disappeared.
Small problems suddenly feel enormous.
A harmless question bothers you.
Your partner leaves something out and you snap.
A coworker complains about something minor and you think:
“You have no idea what I’m dealing with.”
When you have been under prolonged emotional stress, your capacity for handling additional stress may feel much smaller.
Fertility treatment can also affect sleep, concentration, work, relationships, and your daily schedule.
If you feel emotionally exhausted, even ordinary frustrations may become harder to tolerate.
Feeling Angry Can Lead to Guilt
Anger during infertility often creates a second emotional problem.
You become angry.
Then you judge yourself for being angry.
You may think:
“I’m becoming bitter.”
“This isn’t who I am.”
“I should be more positive.”
“Why can’t I handle this better?”
That self-criticism can add another layer of distress.
You do not have to approve of every reaction you have.
But understanding where the emotion is coming from can be more useful than immediately judging yourself for experiencing it.
How Can I Cope With Anger During Infertility?
The goal is not to force yourself to stop feeling angry.
Instead, it can help to understand what the anger is communicating and find ways to respond that do not harm you or your relationships.
Identify What Is Underneath the Anger
Ask yourself what happened immediately before the anger appeared.
Did you receive disappointing news?
Did someone make an insensitive comment?
Are you frightened about an upcoming appointment?
Are you exhausted?
Do you feel alone?
Sometimes identifying the emotion underneath anger can make the reaction easier to understand.
Give Yourself Space Before Responding
Not every upsetting comment requires an immediate response.
If you notice yourself becoming overwhelmed, you may need time before continuing a conversation.
That can be especially helpful with partners, relatives, or friends when fertility is already an emotionally sensitive topic.
Create Boundaries
You do not need to discuss your fertility treatment with everyone.
You can decide:
- Who receives updates
- What information you share
- Which questions you will answer
- Which events you attend
- When you need a break from fertility conversations
Boundaries can reduce some of the situations that repeatedly trigger frustration.
Find Somewhere You Can Be Honest
Many people feel pressure to remain optimistic during fertility treatment.
You may worry that expressing anger sounds negative or ungrateful.
Having somewhere you can speak openly about difficult emotions can reduce the pressure to pretend everything is okay.
When Anger Starts Affecting Your Relationship or Daily Life
Occasional anger and frustration are different from feeling consumed by anger.
Consider reaching out for additional support if anger is:
- Creating frequent conflict with your partner
- Causing you to withdraw from people you care about
- Making work difficult
- Affecting your sleep
- Making it difficult to concentrate
- Leading you to avoid most social situations
- Accompanied by significant anxiety or sadness
- Making you feel unlike yourself
- Becoming difficult to control
You do not need to wait until anger damages a relationship or becomes overwhelming before talking about it.
Therapy for Fertility Stress in California
Fertility struggles can bring emotions that are difficult to admit out loud.
You may feel sad one day and furious the next.
You may love your partner and still resent parts of the fertility process.
You may be happy for a pregnant friend while simultaneously feeling angry that your own journey has been so difficult.
Those emotions can coexist.
At Reproductive Mental Health & Wellness, our clinicians understand the emotional complexity that can accompany infertility, trying to conceive, IVF, and fertility treatment.
If you’re looking for compassionate support during this difficult season, learn more about our therapy for fertility stress services and how we help individuals and couples throughout California navigate the emotional challenges of trying to conceive.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is anger common during infertility?
Anger can be part of the emotional response to infertility. Fertility struggles can involve uncertainty, disappointment, grief, financial pressure, medical stress, and a lack of control, all of which can contribute to frustration and anger.
Why am I angry when other people get pregnant?
Another person’s pregnancy may remind you of something you deeply want and the uncertainty surrounding your own fertility journey. Feeling angry or jealous does not necessarily mean you are not happy for the other person.
Why am I angry at my partner during fertility treatment?
Partners may cope with fertility stress differently and may carry different physical, emotional, or practical responsibilities during treatment. These differences can sometimes lead to frustration, resentment, or feeling misunderstood.
Why am I so irritable during fertility treatment?
Fertility treatment can involve prolonged stress, uncertainty, medical appointments, waiting, relationship pressure, and emotional exhaustion. When you are already overwhelmed, everyday frustrations may feel harder to manage.
Does feeling angry about infertility mean I’m becoming bitter?
Feeling angry does not define your personality. Anger may reflect grief, disappointment, fear, exhaustion, unfairness, or feeling that you have lost control over an important part of your life.
Can therapy help with anger caused by infertility?
Therapy can provide a private place to explore anger, grief, anxiety, resentment, relationship stress, and other emotions associated with infertility. It can also help you identify triggers, establish boundaries, improve communication, and develop ways to cope with uncertainty.